Growing Up

I admit that I don't feel very grown up. It doesn't help that I still could pass for a high schooler in terms of looks. I'm mature (most of the time) and have always thought myself to be a very level-headed and focused. But that in no way implies that I feel grown up. I don't have my own place. I don't have a job with many responsibilities or potential for advancement. I don't have a relationship with a guy (saying 'man' makes me feel weird, like I'd be dating a forty year-old). I don't have any real responsibilities in my life. In a way, I like it. In a way, I hate it. I'd say I'm about 80% grown up. Tonight, though, I feel as if I grew up a little more and I think I know why.
I went to a bride's maids dinner tonight. It was a lot of fun and I enjoyed a night out. The dinner was held at the condo of the bride, a swanky new high rise in a trendy area of town. It's a building I always admired. It was a place I could envision myself living in. Where I would normally be insanely jealous of her, I found myself....not. Oh, don't get me wrong, I'd kill to have a place like it - the large closets, the balconies, the granite counter tops, but I was actually genuinely happy for her. I didn't feel jealous at all. And that's when I think another ten percent slid into that grown up column.

Okay, I won't lie. I'm a tiny bit jealous. But not because of the material things my friend is getting. I don't care about those things. I'm crazy jealous of the relationship she has. I'm jealous of the fact that she has someone who loves her, who is there when she comes home, who will listen about her bad days and good days (and who will, inevitably, be the cause of both at some point), who will cuddle with her while watching a movie, who won't judge her for eating that fourth slice of pizza or having another cupcake, who wants to be with her, share his life with her, and just simply exist with her. That's what I'm jealous of.

Growing up is about accepting what you have and what you't can have or don't have and being okay with it. I'm okay with most things; I'm not okay with this.