I found out last night that my great-grandmother died on April 15. She was 104. There wasn't a funeral, just a small graveside service earlier this week. No fuss. No dragged out visitation. Perhaps it's better that way. I visited with her when I would go see my grandparents. She really had no idea who I was. Her short-term memory wasn't very good anymore. She knew I was a grandchild, just not which one or who I belonged to. I feel privileged to have been able to meet her, to know her, because most people don't have that opportunity. I have know two of my great-grandparents. My grandfather's father lived into his nineties and I saw him a few times before he died. Though I didn't know either of them well, it is sad news to hear. She lived a long life and I suppose no one could ask for more.
In other news, good thing I emailed the admissions office yesterday because my attendance confirmation never made it to London. They let me scan a new one in so I hope everything is fine now. Is someone trying to tell me something? First my housing form doesn't make it, now my attendance confirmation. Everything should be taken care of now. Four and half months.
4.23.2010
4.13.2010
Accepting What Cannot Be
For as much as I complain about the heat and the humidity (oh God, the humidity) in the South, I believe I secretly love it. Summer really is a beautiful season in the South - the full greenery, vibrant flowers, homegrown tomatoes, and the buzz of locusts in the evening. I love wandering through the farmers' market on the weekend and eating Ripley, TN grown tomatoes and sighing with relief when the Georgia peaches finally come in. These are the things I will miss when I move.
I had pictured myself at law school at one of the fine institutions of the Southeastern Conference learning Constitutional law and civil procedure from seersucker suit-clad professors. I saw myself clerking in the summer at the Southern Poverty Law Center in Birmingham or working on a political campaign. I wanted to learn a new school, to singing Hotty Toddy or Glory, Glory to Ole Georgia at football games, to proudly display my Tennessee Alumni status when they took on the Volunteers. I wanted to settle myself down for three years and in that time gain a career and maybe a partner to share life with.
I'm learning it's harder to accept what isn't or can't be (well, yet at any rate) than it is what is. I know realistically that I could come home and enter law school and become a Rebel or a Bulldawg. With law school there would have been certainty. I would have known what my career would be and have an idea of where I was heading following graduation. Because I'm a planner, this appealed to me immensely. What I'm about to do, leaves me a year from now with no plan. I will have a degree, from a prestigious university, but not clue about what to do with it. What am I doing? Every once in a while, about once a week, I wonder what the hell I'm doing. Do I really want to do this? Am I doing it to cross something off on my bucket list? Well, yes and no. I want to go. I want to do this to learn about myself and what I'm capable of but I know a part of me will be wanting to be sitting outside listening to the locusts studying torts and sweating in the humidity.
I had pictured myself at law school at one of the fine institutions of the Southeastern Conference learning Constitutional law and civil procedure from seersucker suit-clad professors. I saw myself clerking in the summer at the Southern Poverty Law Center in Birmingham or working on a political campaign. I wanted to learn a new school, to singing Hotty Toddy or Glory, Glory to Ole Georgia at football games, to proudly display my Tennessee Alumni status when they took on the Volunteers. I wanted to settle myself down for three years and in that time gain a career and maybe a partner to share life with.
I'm learning it's harder to accept what isn't or can't be (well, yet at any rate) than it is what is. I know realistically that I could come home and enter law school and become a Rebel or a Bulldawg. With law school there would have been certainty. I would have known what my career would be and have an idea of where I was heading following graduation. Because I'm a planner, this appealed to me immensely. What I'm about to do, leaves me a year from now with no plan. I will have a degree, from a prestigious university, but not clue about what to do with it. What am I doing? Every once in a while, about once a week, I wonder what the hell I'm doing. Do I really want to do this? Am I doing it to cross something off on my bucket list? Well, yes and no. I want to go. I want to do this to learn about myself and what I'm capable of but I know a part of me will be wanting to be sitting outside listening to the locusts studying torts and sweating in the humidity.
4.12.2010
Weddings and Nonsense
It seems summer is shaping up to be more than just work. I was asked to be in one of my oldest friend's wedding. I've known her since fourth grade and could hardly so no to her. I was on the fence about being in the wedding at first because of the time and expense I'm going to have to invest in it, but in the end I knew I wouldn't forgive myself if a passed up the chance to be in her wedding. It's at the end of July so it will be a nice half-way marker of sorts. The place she's getting married is absolutely beautiful - full of old Southern charm.
On to other things. I mailed my housing application the same day I mailed my confirmation of attendance. It was returned to me about nine days later for "insufficient address". I didn't understand so I took it to the post office and asked. I told them that the address on the envelope was the address the school had given me and pointed out that it was the exact same as the one on the bottom of the form. "What is insufficient about it?" I asked. Not surprisingly, the post office couldn't tell me. "You're the ones that marked it insufficient and you can't tell me?" I'm sorry, she said. The hell? Luckily the school is allowing me to scan it and email it to them.
On to other things. I mailed my housing application the same day I mailed my confirmation of attendance. It was returned to me about nine days later for "insufficient address". I didn't understand so I took it to the post office and asked. I told them that the address on the envelope was the address the school had given me and pointed out that it was the exact same as the one on the bottom of the form. "What is insufficient about it?" I asked. Not surprisingly, the post office couldn't tell me. "You're the ones that marked it insufficient and you can't tell me?" I'm sorry, she said. The hell? Luckily the school is allowing me to scan it and email it to them.
4.02.2010
Sucky, sucky day
Finally received my rejection letter from UT law today. Twice in two years. Not even a spot on the wait list. It pissed me off more than anything. I wish I could figure out what law schools are looking for. You'd think after all this rejection I'd just be used to it. Anyway, as much as I'd have liked to go to law school I really didn't want to go there anyway and would have attempted to transfer.
It was the perfect end to kind of bitter day at work. I've never really enjoyed my job. It is, at times, downright boring. I listen to music or movies on YouTube or books on CD simply to get through the day. I feel like any skills I had going into the job have evaporated over the year and a half I've been there. The majority of people of are nice but it doesn't help when you've been told by the HR manager - repeatedly - how over qualified you are. Then give me something else to do, damn it. I know I'm too smart for this job.
The problem sometimes is that I don't feel like I really work there. And by that I mean that I feel as though I'm kind of just there to do whatever menial task they give me and go on my merry way. No reward. No chance for advancement. No opportunity to prove that I could be an asset if they'd only give me a chance. I helped plan an end of the year shindig for the sales people this year with the HR assistant. Worked hard. Did what I was asked. Took on extra work. Know what I got? Pulled off the trip. I didn't even get to revel in my planning and organizing. Didn't get to go. I was more than a little pissed off. Then, today I noticed the department I work for got pizza for lunch - looked to be ordered by the manager for everyone. Was I even offered any? Nope. I swear it's like I'm unappreciated or just not there unless they need filing done. Don't even ask why it was the pizza that set this off. It's a culmination of things. Such as...
I'm supposed to have a pretty large project completed by the time I leave in September. Well, it's going to be pretty hard to complete unless they give me more hours. Currently, I work 5 hours a day and close to two hours is spent either relieving the receptionist for her breaks or taking the checks to the bank. I have roughly three hours everyday to do my work. If the project isn't completed then it isn't completed. Let them deal with it. It won't be my problem anymore.
4.01.2010
95 Percent
That's how sure I am about sticking with the decision to move in September. There was nothing more frightening knowing I was going to be leaving undergrad without a job even though I could move home and have all the comforts I was used to. But now things are different. I'm struggling to even find a part time job to fill in the 15 hours I'm not getting at my current job, which gives me only 25 hours a week. And no benefits. None and no hope of ever getting them. There is no room for growth in this job and no room to advance a skill set or learn something new. It is a dead-end job. If I don't return to school then where do I go? I must have applied to hundreds of even the lowliest of positions simply to get my foot in the door. I need an advanced degree because clearly the one I have isn't doing anything for me.
Yet there is a part of me that is pulling back. What if I'm in this situation a year and half from now - no job, no prospect, and living back with my parents? I don't think I can stand the thought of completely wasting my 20's like this. It's heartbreaking, realizing that these two years since I graduated have been nothing but a waste. The only thing I have to show for it is the amount of money I've saved to go back to school. Regardless, I'm still having to take out a loan and from that springs the hesitancy. I could very well be in this same position in late 2011 with $20,000 in debt. Positively terrifying.
What if I don't go? What if I continue as I am now - unhappy, constantly searching for some way to advance and consistently falling short? I have to take a risk, don't I? I have to do this. I suppose hope is all I have to go on. Hope that I will excel and graduate with honors. Hope that I manage to convince someone to give me an internship. Hope that I will have a job. Hope that I'm not making what could be a gigantic mistake.
Yet there is a part of me that is pulling back. What if I'm in this situation a year and half from now - no job, no prospect, and living back with my parents? I don't think I can stand the thought of completely wasting my 20's like this. It's heartbreaking, realizing that these two years since I graduated have been nothing but a waste. The only thing I have to show for it is the amount of money I've saved to go back to school. Regardless, I'm still having to take out a loan and from that springs the hesitancy. I could very well be in this same position in late 2011 with $20,000 in debt. Positively terrifying.
What if I don't go? What if I continue as I am now - unhappy, constantly searching for some way to advance and consistently falling short? I have to take a risk, don't I? I have to do this. I suppose hope is all I have to go on. Hope that I will excel and graduate with honors. Hope that I manage to convince someone to give me an internship. Hope that I will have a job. Hope that I'm not making what could be a gigantic mistake.
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